How to be Successful with High Functioning Depression
Have you been wondering where I’ve been the last eight weeks? So have I.
I have been coming back to this blog post for the last eight weeks to keep writing it. I would write a few sentences and then stop. It felt onerous. In the meantime, I’ve been posting on Instagram and staying engaged with my followers and readers, but behind the scenes has been much more bleak than you may think.
As my therapist would say, I’m a master at camouflage. You likely think I’m perfectly okay. Everyone thinks I’m always okay. Maybe it’s because I’m always cracking jokes, being sarcastic, smiling, surfing, traveling, connecting with friends, running my own business, walking the coastline, living the dream, right?
But, what if I told you that there are days I wake up and feel like I’m seeing black so dark it could be a new shade. What if I told you there’s days where I sit down to write content and 2.5 hours goes by and I have no idea what just happened. It’s like I black out in broad daylight yet if you sat next to me you wouldn’t even know it.
And by black out I’m not saying I’m day drinking, doing keg stands like an animal and blacking out. I’m saying I’m completely sober, sitting at my desk at 10:00 a.m., and I blink and suddenly it’s 12:30 p.m. and I’ve done nothing yet time moved ahead.
I wish I could say I am mastering teleporting, but instead I internally disappear, and physically I’m still there, still breathing, blinking, heart still beating.
This is just one of the many things that challenge me. So what’s going on with me?
I have high functioning depression.
I’m basically a dual citizen of successful entrepreneur and high functioning depression. I’ve had it for over 15 years.
And the reason I’ve never shared it is because of how loosely the word “depression” gets used. In fact, depression and anxiety get thrown around a lot. Even while writing this, I heard someone order a coffee and say, “Oh my God, I almost had an anxiety attack,” all because she thought she left her reusable Starbucks cup at home but it was just in her backpack.
I’m not saying what causes other people an anxiety attack or depression will be the same as me. It will likely be different…What I go through is very proprietary to me.
But what I am saying is that these terms are used too loosely. And it makes it where people who actually struggle with depression, anxiety, or any other mental health issues, may feel less validated when people throw these terms around willy nilly.
I’m not walking around saying, “Oh, that’s depressing,” if I see someone homeless. I will think it’s sad, but not depressing. And there is a difference. Sadness is a human emotion, it’s typically temporary based on upset or pain.
Depression is a mental illness. It impairs my ability to get shit done. It impairs my social life. It impairs my daily functioning.
So, when these words are used often interchangeably or when “depression” is used nonchalantly, it’s harder to admit that I struggle with depression because I feel it’s quickly written off or not as serious. But it is. Depression is very serious.
What does high functioning depression look like for me?
To someone like you, I likely appear to be completely okay. To my friends, bosses, coworkers, and strangers, I seem more than okay. High functioning depression means I can function at most normal things like: going out with friends, showing up on social media, giving presentations in front of groups of people, going surfing, attending the gym, keeping up with most day-to-day responsibilities, and engaging with other humans.
But with that comes a few areas of my life where I crumble. I can’t function. One area is concentration. When I’m by myself I can’t concentrate on much. For example, all the content you see, takes me many hours to create. For someone without depression, I’d be curious how much more they can get done in a day compared to me. But, I don’t ask because it’s not going to change my outcome. Concentration takes me monumental effort.
Another area is in my emotions. I can cry a lot. I’m not crying because of sadness, but because of a hollowness, exhaustion, a feeling of blankness and desolation. I don’t even have to use makeup remover for my mascara because tears do the job, baby.
I consume my time to avoid pain. I’m always doing something. My handwritten planner has something in place to take up all hours of the day except for sleep.
Sometimes I feel completely invisible — Like I could walk through a crowd and I don’t even exist.
I realize this all sounds “depressing.” But, it’s not. At least not anymore.
There’s good news.
You can be successful AND have high functioning depression. In fact, it may come as a surprise how many people surrounding you who seem to have their everything in their life perfectly in place, yet they suffer from high functioning depression – they have hypersomnia, feelings of hopelessness, difficulty concentrating, poor appetite, etc.
When it comes to work though, people with HFD kick ass. They’re great with relationships, friends and coworkers usually seek their advice, and it’s a challenge to slow down, so they are great workers.
As someone who has lived with this for 15 years, I can tell you, I have still been successful through it all. I have founded two six-figure businesses, I have been ranked top salesperson in multiple companies I’ve worked for across multiple states, I have generated millions of dollars for businesses, I have managed financing for multi-million dollar companies, I have been through years of chronic illnesses and injuries and have bounced back even greater.
How? Probably the obsessive nature behind having HFD. When there’s something I want, I go all in. I will take the time it takes to learn something until I’m an absolute expert. I will consistently move the goal post to keep myself learning, growing, and earning.
I actually find that my success working in personal finance wouldn't have happened the way it did without HFD. I’m obsessed with budgeting, managing my money, and finding ways to have my money make more money. I admit, it keeps me up at night sometimes.
So what do I do about it?
I don’t manage it. You read that right. I don’t manage it.
LeAnDrA, wHaT dO yOu mEaN yOu dOn’T mAnAgE iT?
I don’t manage high functioning depression, I manage happiness.
I often hear people say they want to manage their stress, manage their illness, manage their anxiety, manage their depression. Being a manager sucks, unless it’s to manage something great.
So why would I want to manage high functioning depression when I could manage something like my very own happiness? Therefore, I work with a life coach every week. I also work with a therapist. Both are there for me to manage happiness, not depression.
They support me in understanding where I overcompensate, avoid, and distract myself. Rather than fighting it, I learn to lean into it. I learn to let go of the responsibility to fix everything. I learn that it’s okay to not be okay.
If you’re someone who suffers from depression, or any mental illness, the best piece of advice I have is for you to reach out for professional support. High functioning depression is a bit more difficult to see as those with it don’t only camouflage it in front of others, but they unconsciously camouflage it from themselves too.
Most of my blog posts end with something to encourage you. And I realize that if you don’t suffer from any mental illnesses you may feel like this wasn’t for you. But it was. Because there are people surrounding you every single day who struggle with mental illness. If all this blog post did was teach you more about it, then sharing my own personal journey and what the uncomfortable parts of my days look like with depression, was worth it.
“It’s so difficult to describe depression to someone who’s never been there, because it’s not sadness. I know sadness. Sadness is to cry and to feel. But it’s that cold absence of feeling—that really hollowed-out feeling.”
Cheers,
LP
